No More Tantrums

As many of you know, for the past several months we've been trying to have another child. When Genevieve (our first child) was two years old we decided we didn't want to have any more children. So, Byron had a vascectomy. However, several years ago we started feeling differently, very differently (Genevieve is 8 now). In June of 2012, Byron had a vascectomy reversal so we could have more children. Since July we've been trying and have not been successful. When we decided to have children, I got pregnant with Genevieve the very next month after quitting birth control. I had no idea the emotional struggle and pain that comes with trying and trying month after month. This ranks up there as one of the biggest struggles I've faced in my life. I really had no idea how blessed I was the first time around. Of course I love and adore our Genevieve but I was spoiled getting pregnant with her so quickly. God has really opened my eyes to a huge population of people who try for months or years to get pregnant...

I have to admit, it doesn't seem fair that there are people who are horrible parents who seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Or drugged out teen moms or women who abort their babies. I'd be lying if I said these people don't cross my mind and make me sad or even angry at times. I have spent a lot of time asking myself what am I not doing right? Does God not want me to have another baby? Or am I just not doing this this or this right? And believe me, everyone has their opinions and most aren't afraid to share. In fact, most are convinced they have the answer as to why we aren't pregnant and if we'd just follow their advice, we'd be pregnant. But, really, what it really comes down to (and I hate to admit) is, it's God's will. I desire so greatly to have another baby (or several) but I don't know if that's his will. I know he loves to bless us and give us the desires of our hearts when we follow him. However, I know our God is amazing, has a plan and his timing is divine. I know that every month that goes by, I feel there is a ticking clock and time is running out. But I also know that IF God wants me to have another child, he has a plan for that child and a schedule for that child too. Just because I want it now, doesn't mean that's when God wants that child to be born. God doesn't do things on a whim, God does them on PURPOSE and with PURPOSE. 

Does that make this easier. Maybe, but I'm not feeling it. It's hard. It's REALLY hard. During this journey I've had moments where I felt MAD at God. Okay, maybe not MAD but so frustrated that I acted mad and had several temper tantrums if you will. God made is clear to me that I can't approach him in that way. That wanting this child so greatly is just like putting my husband (or anyone or any thing else) above him. It's a separation in our relationship. I have to seek him first and love him no matter what. Even if that means not having another child. I pray that's not the case and I often think of all the women in the bible that were baren and yet God still gave them a child. According to our doctors we're both very healthy and fertile. So, if we're not pregnant yet, God must have a plan. So, people can give all the advice they want and I'll keep trusting that whatever God's will is, will happen. Even if easier said than done (felt).